Tried to download the .cbr but it's only 19.9kb and comes up corrupt in CDisplay and WinRAR after renaming. No problems on the .jpgs or .rar though.

I like this self-proclaimed god. Where's Rutt fit in?

Ok, true story that happened exactly like this...

So, there I was, driving home from work, and wouldn't you know it, I get a flat tire.
I get out the jack and my trusty tire iron,and a spare, pop off the flat tire, and just as I finish twisting on the first lug nut, i noticed that it wasn't a spare tire at all-

(that's right, you've probably guessed) turned out my so called spare tire was in fact a man eating crocodile.

Now I'm not sure if it was because of the chill March evening(crocodile's being cold blooded and all, made it sluggish). or perhaps something deeper, more esoteric, romantic really - like the way the late afternoon gray skies captured the blue of my eyes, or maybe just 'cause I had unknowingly twisted a lugnut into it's piddle... but gentlemen,(and ladies), I can with firsthand experience state: there is only one thing worse than being eaten alive by a crocodile, and that is to be loved by one.

Sure, I like to think I'm just as rascist as the next guy (perhaps more so), but we really hit it off well, at least so I thought at first. I'd have to say her parent's didn't like me from day one. I don't know if it was because I was a mammal, or maybe religious differences, my stance on wildabeasts, or my political views. The final straw was when my parent's invited them to dinner where I had planned to announce our upcoming engagement, and it really was going well, up until when the crocodiles ate everyone there, including me.

A completly true story, honest.

i don't believe you. You know why? I own the exclusive world distribution rights to man-eating crocodiles... who on the internet would dare distribute unauthorised content?

No one, that's who.

It was actually a rather lame looking panda, dressed as a man eating crocodile. You can always tell the difference by the eyes, pandas have the eyes of a killer.


Where've you really been? and in the words of Homer J. Simpsons,
"And I want a non-gay explanation!"

woops, I hadn't updated that site since it got a cease and desist warning. I was pretty pissed off because the stuff on it was made 100% by me. the comic book stuff, i mean. That clivepedium and lovecraftopedia frontends i'm sure violated some copyright crap, i took those down. My comics i made that lycos kept blocking, now that pissed me off. I suppose they just wanted me to upgrade to a paid service. So I took a break from the internet and decided to finish some my comicbooks (i even made an animated version of that ManmadeMan that I was pimping out to video rental stores, comic shops, alternative people stores),
anyways,
I wanted to finish the whole comicbook story before (I dont want to turn this into a pity party for me and my drain bamage) my mental abilities disintigrate to the point of me wearing a bicycle helmet and mittens pinned to my sleeves all the time. Sure, I look forward to drooling and any excuse to pee in my pants in public, but i got stuff to do still before i gotta stay in some halfway house.
errrr. strayed a bit - so at the moment, my little comicbook endeavor has reached 48 chapters/sections totalling 1,711 pages(not all are cleaned up/colored/etc). I redid the artwork for the manmademan almost total, i think it's a jillion times better looking.

errm and I made a 'director's cut' version of it. I don't like bummin money from people, but hookers arent cheap and crack costs money. A snazzy cd/cd case/artwork/extras that I been making to sell to people who actually liked the story and artwork enough to send me money.

Now, I've been working on these comicbooks every day for like, years, and I hope people enjoy them, even if they don't want to pony up some cash, I hope to hell nobody says 'Manmade Man, the name alone would suggest that it could be the greatest work of homoerotic fiction, instead it just sucked.'

Welcome back monkeysmasher! It's been a LOOOOOOONGGGGG time.

Hey Monkey!
good to see you're still alive and kicking man!

Hiya monkeysmasher long time no see

Welcome back

Hehe, I guessed you were still here even if you haven't posted a while. Welcome back monkeysmasher.

I thought you were adopted by circus apes or something simular...glad to see you finally escaped.Your singular wit has been sorely missed around here I for one can tell you

ahh, I hadn't been on the internet for months(year?). I was messing around with this woman, and of course things went horribly horribly wrong. The important thing is i had sex, and in a big way.

,,,,,and it happened like this:

'I can't believe Jim treats you like this, leaving you home alone while he goes out. It's a shame that your marriage has already lost it's shine.' said me.
'I've been really thinking about leaving him, I just don't know what to do. I'm glad you're here, you've always been so kind to me.' said she.
'Well, I have to admit, if your husband doesn't appreciate you, he should consider me a threat.', said me.
'Oh, hahaha, You're so funny,' said she
'I wasn't joking, you're a wonderful woman and Jim is a fool. Have another long island ice tea'. said me,
-cue mood music-

around 8 minutes later....
'Oh, no. I can't believe we did that. I cheated on Jim, you must never, ever tell anyone what we just did, promise me.' she said.
'Sure baby. I won't say a word.'

Now, I know when to keep my mouth shut about things. as jim is built like a frieght train, and could knock me out with one punch, despite my squirrel like fighting skills and cow quick agility.
As long as I didn't say anything, everything would be fine. It seemed the perfect crime, flawless. I could think of no way Jim could possibly see thru my adulterous relationship with his wife.
I know discrete, and discrete I am - so I did what anyone else in my position would do to keep such an affair a secret, I printed up a bunch of T-shirts that said
'I fucked your wife, Jim.'

Like most of my ingenius schemes, this one hit a snag the day Jim saw me in my t-shirt and said,' You fucked a woman named Jim? HA! that's my name, too.'

Now I'm not one to be bothered by my conscience, (It's usually just that little voice in my head that tells me not to leave fingerprints) but something in those innocent puppydog eyes of his made feel guilty, so I says,
'Say, Jim, remember that time you came home from work early and I jumped out of your closet and yelled 'surprise!', did you ever think about why your wife and I were the only ones at this surprise birthday party? and that it wasn't your birthday for months? Or why I was naked? Or that time your wife's retainer fell out of my pants?'
'Nope.' said Jim.
'Jim. ive been fucking your wife.'
'Who's that?'
'Your wife, Jim. I fucked her.'
'Ha, Ha, monkey, my wife's not named Jim! My name's Jim, you dork. you always know how to make me laugh.' said jim.
'Ummm, Jim, so you said your wife caught crabs from eating at Red Lobster? Who'd a thunk it.'

I knew at this point I had finally met my match, and conceded this victory to Jim and his razor sharp deductive skills. I was outwitted thru stupidity, the shame! He may have won this battle, but i still nailed his wife.

Things did take a heartbreaking turn towards the end,
I don't know if it was irony, or cosmic justice sent to bitchslap me down, but I, too, eventually felt betrayal by Jim's wife. I blame my own naivette and trusting nature. Unfortunaly, if you look at one of the original flag design of both Czeck Republic and Slovakia say 'We fucked Jim's wife, too.' As I understand world politics, that is the real reason czechoslovakia broke up.

And that is reason #1 why I never trust a communist.Consider yourself lucky...I was the one nailing Jim..Talk about selling a man short.

Jim, A communist?


----------------------------
SPUD TREK
----------------------------
Just after the 2 starship zappin battle in space. The U.s.s Mule
with Captain Spudivich 'Spud' Spudowski, vrs. The Kraael war vessel,
with captain XSSSSX'SSD 'Jerry' ZZZ'SSSS

Jerry :You've disabled my ship, and now you want revenge. Killing me wont bring the colonists of Talus 4 back.

Capt Spud: 'Talus 4'?

Jerry : The Spuderation's 344 colonist should be grateful to sacrifice
thier lives for the contribution to the glory of the Kraael scientific
enlightenment!

Capt Spud:....say, what? did you say 344 colonist you killed?

Jerry :.... yes, that was why you were hiding behind that moon to
ambush us - how did you know where to find us? That was why you opened fire on us....wasn't it?

Capt Spud: ....mmmm, yes. Yes it was. -ahem-
Capt Spud: You did say 344 colonist you killed?
Jerry : yes, they were all gloriously sacrif-
Capt Spud: Ohh, yeah, gloriously, yeah, yeah. Heh, oh you really saved my ass with this one, heh.
Jerry : .........ummm, what?
Capt Spud: Oh, yeah. we were just hiding behind this moon, waiting to
rob ships. any ship. We gave up starfleet last week, and started a
carreer as Space Pirates-robbing and looting,you know, pirate stuff. It's been slim pickins, nobody to rob, but you, hehe, you really saved our ass on that one. Once we knock your ship into the sun, hehe, ohh, yeah! I'm getting one hella promotion outa this! They can't press charges on us for stealin' the ship.
Lt Cmdr. Dxa: We can finally instal that Planetsmasher cannon!
Capt Spud: Yeah Buddy! Now we don't have to buzz those cavemen on the planet and take out individual cities, we can do whole planets at once, the way it was meant to be done....
Jerry :....?
Capt Spud:..oh, yeah. This is for those 522 colonists, a real
tragedy,hehe, and thier souls wiegh heavy,, hehehe, on your... hehe, a planetsmasher cannon..neat! hehe...Deploy the Spankray.
Jerry :..Wait! I surrender!
Capt Spud: Yeah, I'd really like to spare you, but y'know, the prime
directive - 'No witnesses' and, with all those tentacles, frankly you
look rediculous...
Jerry : But we surrender!
Capt Spud: yeah, I'd like to take you prisoner, but with those tentacles, and the prime directive, you know.... Dxa fire the Spankray.
Jerry :' Thats not the prime ack-shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-
Kaa-Boom
Capt Spud: Now lets go loot that colony!


Lt. Doe: We're recieving a distress call from a Maridian frieghter, on screen...
Capt Spud:Maridian's have too many appendages, Fire all phasers.
KA-BOOOM
Capt Spud: Hehe, they never saw it comming. hehe, now,that gives me an idea on what we should do when I get that promotion. This whole 'tolerance' thing goes way to far. - we go on a universal purge of all races that have more than 2 arms-
Lt. Doe: eeeek! Borg cube dropping out of warp!
Capt Spud:Ready my escape pod!
Capt Spud:wait, i have a plan! this'll only work once, so everybody, be cool. Turn off that music. everone, quiet...Ensign Arcade, open com channel to the cube and crank up the reverb.'
Capt Spud:-ahem-'WE ARE THE BORG. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATATED. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.'
Borg Cube:WE ARE THE BORG
Capt Spud:NO, WE ARE THE BORG. YOUR TECHNOLOGICAL
Borg Cube:.WE.....BORG.............ERROR............
Capt Spud:I thought that would work, now we just slowly reverse outa
here..
Lt. Doe:Sir, we have a small shuttlecraft approaching, the 'Pimpwagon 7', is hailing us..it's-
Capt Spud: Monkeysmasher</i>.
Monkeysmasher: That's Monkeysma</i>- oh, yeah, you got it right. even the italics.....Now, captain spud, stay away from my woman!
Capt Spud: This is hardly the time or the place to discuss your sister-
Borg Cube:MONKEYSMASHER, IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE RESTRAINING ORDER WE HAVE FILED, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED WITHIN ONE SOLAR SYSTEM OF US. FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH THESE TERMS WILL RESU-
monkeysmasher: Ah, come on, borg queen, don't be that way.True love can't be stopped with laws! baby baby, pleeaase! Honest baby, I didn't even know I had herpes, let alone you'd catch it!
Borg Cube:LEAVE US ALONE. NOTHING YOU SAY CAN MAKE US FORGIVE YOU.
Monkeysmasher: ahh, baby, we can go to counseling again..
Capt Spud:shhhh, while they're distracted, Fire all photon missles at
the shuttlecraft, then WARP 10, NOW!

'Star Trek: Grand Theft Federation'

.........tumbleweed rolls on by....

well, at least I thought it was funny. I laughed while typing it.

I was laughing while reading it.I just want a picture of Spud in one of those spandex federation jumpsuits.

It's Velour....

-----------------------
Spud Trek : Grand Theft Federation
-----------------------

Because I really hate those 'court' episodes on star trek, the one on farscape, really any sci-fi show that has a courtmartial/legal rights for robots, hollowgrams, or women, i thought i'd make a more realistic and plausable one. after the event's of the last amazing episode
....
----------------------

Spud:'Ok. now everyone, you know what we say at trial?'
Crew in unison:'We were all possessed by evil aliens.'
Spud:'Undetectable</i> evil aliens. and we don't know what happened to that planet we blew up, it was like that when we got there. Do any of you need to write this down?'
Lt.Cmdr. Dxa: Now, everyone have thier phasers?
Crew in unison:'Yes'
Lt.Cmdr. Dxa: Set to Kill? And does everyone have thier suicide capsules?
Crew in unison:'Yes'

--------------
Space Prosecutor:'Now, Captain Spud, we have heard many fanciful tales
of the series of events leading you to this hearing - each more
ubelievable than the last. Do you think so little of the intellectual
abilities of this tribunal that we would take this absurd explanation
without a shred of evidence?
Spud:Yes. Yes, i was hoping you would take it all at face value, no
questions asked. Maybe giving me a raise, and a promotion, and pectoral implants.
Space Prosecutor:Isn't it true, that you only became a captain because
you got into the wrong line while taking the starfleet entrance screening physical?
Spud:'No. That is a complete lie. Untrue and slanderous!'
Space Prosecutor: Please clarify.and remember, you are under the
Truth-o-meter.
Spud: I was in the locker room innocently</i> trying on peoples clothes while they were being screened, and when security personel were summoned, I used someone else's credentials, and three years later here I am.
Space Prosecutor: And that is something you are proud of?
Spud: Yes, local boy makes good. Thru my quick wits and never-say-die attitude, I quickly rose thru the ranks to command one of the most well
decorated crew's of the quandrant.
Space Prosecutor: Well decorated... yes. It's true, You do hold some of the most medals and meritorous citations of any starfleet captain, ever...and whom do these awards come from?
Spud:...(mummble)
Space Prosecutor: Could You speak up?
Spud: (grumble) The Romulans.
Space Prosecutor: Yes, the Romulans...</i> They consider you one of thier greatest heroes. They have a series of holiday honoring you. Romulan children sing songs about you, and aren't you considered a romulan national treasure?
Spud: yes, and the action figures, the Tv show...but hey, a medal's a medal, am I right?
Space Prosecutor:Except when we are at war with them!</i>
Spud: I paid good money for that presidential pardon, so sit and spin on it, you space dink! My record show's that I have never been found guilty of any Federation crime.
Space Prosecutor: but you do have, let's see, 14 aquitals for 'Leud Behavior', 4 for 'commanding a federation space craft while intoxicated, operating a shuttlecraft without pants'-
Spud: It was hot!</i>
Space Prosecutor: Numerous ongoing civil suits for sexual harrasment. In fact isn't one from the Grand Science Matriarch of Granola 5? who claims, let's see, you said 'no chicks allowed in the science bay.' and then made her, one of the greatest scientific minds of this sector, do the entire ship's laundry?</i>
Spud: And I stand by that command decision.
space prosecutor: Resulting in the destruction of 2 of thier planet's moons?
Spud: if she'd have washed our clothes faster, it wouldn't have happened.</i> The blame lies fully on her.
space prosecutor: Preposterous! How can we believe these outrageous claims?
Spud:Heheh, I am under the Truth-o-meter, and the Truth-o-meter don't lie, baby!
Tribunal:(whispering amongst themselves)
Computer Voice: HE SPEAKS THE TRUTH
Spud: Damn straight, sparkplug. Now give me back my ship, and a raise, and promotions for my crew, and more velour uniforms all around.
Tribunal : CASE DISMISSED
Spud:..... And validate my parking, AND I'd like to draft up some laws updating the whole 'Tolerance apon indiginous species of this Quadrant' called 'any more than 4 arms and legs then they all get blown away.'
Tribunal : CASE DISMISSED

-----------
later,on the U.s.s Mule, after the hearing.....

Lt. PC Arcade:It's kind of scary how he tricked that Truth-o-meter. I thought they were unfallible.
Lt. Cmdr Dxa: He honestly believes</i> everything he did was right. It's called 'selective moral memory syndrome'
CAPTAIN ON DECK!
Captain Spud: 'as you were. Heh, yeah, thanks to poor background checks, I'm the friggin' captain again, let's get this love tub rockin!

Captain Spud: Dxa, is the Planetspanker Cannon online?
Lt. Cmdr Dxa: Yes, sir. Primed and ready.'
Captain Spud:Good. Set course for Granola 5, that space chick's got some explainin to do...right before we 'accidently' vaporize the rest of thier moons. Heh, heh, They'll never see it coming....


Next week on Spud Trek!
-----------------------
Spud Trek : Q Jackers
-----------------------
check your local listings</i>

-Preview-

Captain SPud:'Damn, what happened to you, Space chick? I mean you were always kind of dumpy looking, but it looks like time just went whack happy and took a hammer to your face!
Grand Science Matriarch of Granola 5:YOU! This Granola 5's troubles are all caused by YOU! Because of YOU are planet is out of alignment, the destruction of 2 of our moon's...this catastrophy, YOU!
Captain Spud:umm, LT Arcade, can you blur the view a little, the cracks on this crone's face are seriously freaking me out..
Grand Science Matriarch of Granola 5:YOU EVIL, PENOCENTRIC SMALL MINDED
Captain Spud:Hey! No reason for getting mean! We're here to fix the problem!
Captain Spud: Ok, Dxa, ready the Spankcannon, Blow up thier planet..
Grand Science Matriarch of Granola 5:NOOO!
-BEEEEP-BEEEEEEE-
Captain Spud: there. All fixed. And best of all, no witnesses.
Lt. Doe: Sir, that moon that has been following us...it's not a moon, it's off the scales, it's a-
I AM MONKEY-Q, MU-HU-HAHAHAHA. I'M THE GOD,I'M THE GOD!
Captain spud: ....crap...
MONKEY-Q: THAT'S RIGHT.'CRAP', NEXT TIME YOU BLOW UP A MAN'S SHUTTLECRAFT, YOU MAKE SURE THEY'RE DEAD!

-bummm bummm bummmmmmm</i>

------------------------------------------------------------------

Spud trek has been put on hiatus do to lack of interest. I did draw some lovely pictures of the crew of spud trek, if anyone would like to see my version of what I think Spud, Dxa, and Pc Arcade would look like as Sci-fi cartoon crew members. I will find somewhere to upload them.</i>
--------------------------------------------------------------

Stay tuned now for a encore special presentation of:
'The Life and Loves of Monkeysmasher: a song in the Key of Tragedy.'.


So, there she was, the little woman, last night, laying back in bed, looking up at the stars. I knew it was inevitable that she would eventually get this serious. She turned and nudged me,looking me deeply in the eyes,full of emotion she said those three little words,'Where's our roof?'</i>.

Me:'I lost it, Ok? I was trying to do the dishes and I lost it.'
Her:'....how-'
Me(interupting her):'Oh dont ask me how, and don't say it's impossible, because that's what happened.'
Her:'But-'
Me:'I know, I know. Unbelievable, like always. Remember last week when I tried to make the bed and broke both my legs? That didn't seem possible either, did it?</i>
Me:'Or when I was folding laundry and my butt got caught in the toaster?'
Me:'Or the time before that, when I tried to check the mail and the dog caught fire.'
Her:'You told me Sparks ran away!'
Me:'No, It was P.E.T.A., didn't you notice all those protestors camping on our lawn? They do have some catchy slogans. And thier restraining orders'

So, now, I'm womanless again,
and I really need a steady source of income.

I guess i could solve the lack of woman and money by combining the two and becoming a pimp. Just need to find my felt hat and an ostrich feather that matches my mink coat.

oh, well, since nobody seem's to like my little stories, I will. stop doing them, and re-evaporate back into the annonymous nooks and dark crannies of the internet. I can finnally get back to my pharmaceutical induced hybernation, and crying.
maybe I'll start going outside again, though it's been nearly a year since i've actually spoken outloud to another person.

ah,so what, It's not like I'm a real person, I don't have feelings. And if I did -Pfft-, who the hell cares, I'm a nobody.

take it easy.
Monkey/out

heh, due to continued lack of interest, I guess I'll get around to putting portions of the 1500ish pages of my comic series next.
Its violent, sexist, kinda rascist, bloody and some parts are just plain mean.
I tried to make it as depressing as possible, (hell, even the title is named 'Bleak', though my brand of humor seems to seep in, even when i dont knotice. I tried to make the 'heros'/protagonists a buncha bad guys, I was going for something like the reader(hopefully reader*s*) really having to decide whethter the so called 'humans'
were more humane than the creatures.

If anyone wants to proof read/evaluate my comic. let me know. if you did, I could put your name as one of the characters in the story along with a snazzy drawing of what you wanted to look like.
I also got my animated version of ManMade man going along nicely, though it lacks sound/folly.

Yes, I am just plain lonely and want to make friends</i>