Monkey Guide to Compact Disc Mayhem



Being a geek, i like the geeker things in life (pocket protectors, assorted calculators, fresh white tape on my glasses), and something all geeks like is computers and soft drinks, preferably the carbonated sugar-ie kind with thier brite and flamboyantly gay homosexually colors.
Soda pop likes to spill. Face it, its pure evil.Yet we know that, but we cant help it. We need it. And it needs us(to spill it on cd's). Especially when we're not around, it likes to spill itself onto a stack of cd's, getting between thier little crevices, sticking them together like an oft loved girlie magazine. Prying them apart doesnt help. Ruined? Time for ritual suicide, or a random shooting spree? Spent all your money on bullets and crack rocks, none left for a cd cleaning kit? Think again, my fine feathered friend. Put the safety on, because today's helpful help guide is

MsG-1
'Help! Ive spilled soda pop on my CDs!!!'


whatcha need-
-70% rubbing alchohol- any type you find at the local store. sometimes its in the woman department(lipsticks, perfume, makeup-assorted girlie stuff), close to the fingernail polish. You want it unscented, non colored, because i said so. coloring and scented will stick to your cds. you may see 'acetone' by them too. That works as well.
Its also found by the housepaint/spraypaint home repair items. Usually a bottle is cheap, less than 1 of your crazy paper money type currency.

-cleaning cloth. something non scratching- cotton balls, toilet paper, soft tshirt, tampon(un-used!ick), a sheep(clean one, watch out for dingle berryies). Things you may want NOT to use- SOS pads, sandpaper,power drill, jackhammer,a porcupine, or any type of windmill or swedish person. A small animal like a hamster or gerbil will work in a pinch, but they will very likely go blind or die from the rubbing alchohol.

step 1
put your cigaretes/anything burning out. If u dont, you may die.This includes, but not limited to-birthday cakes, sparklers,lava lamps,anything thats hot or produces a flame.
open a window. Again, or you may die.
a good place to do this is over a sink, or in the bathtub, in case something stupid happens. If your an idiot(most people will tell you if you dont know), have someone who is smarter than you help you, or at least someone you can blame it all on if mom comes home and people are roasting marshmellows on the charred remains of you(or your home).


if the cd's are really covered in a lot of dried pop, put them in a plate (not a paper plate, like a dinner plate, or a sturdy platic plate. some materials disolve in alcohol, so pay attention or dont be an idiot) and poor a little alcohol(not more than like a standard shotglass amount) onto your cleaning cloth, then start wipeing the cd(s). You may need to get the cd wet and let it sit a bit, letting the alcohol solvent work its magic.

you may notice-
-like magic! the sodacrust is being eaten away!
-The label on the cd is gone? what foul black magic is this?? WITCH!!BEGONE DEVIL CHILD!!

gently wipe(gently wipe!) the cd to get all the gunk off. It should be a fairly quik process. Now wipe the cd to dry the alcohol off. Dont rush to put it in your computer yet, make sure its dry. Its unlikely that your computer may cause it to burst into flames, but shit happens.

that should do the trick.

Things you may WANT to do, but SHOULDNT-
-Drink the rubbing alcohol/acetone. Dont do this, ya jackass.
-put the cd in the microwave to help speed the drying off time. again, no.(you jackass)*
-close all the windows and doors while working with cleaning chemicals. Nope.(it may get you slightly high on fumes,but (jackass) more than likely you get irreversable braindamage and/or DEATH, jackass. no joke. an area full of alcohol fumes tend to like to explode at the worst possible times(ex. when i'm in them) so crack a window and some doors open.(ya jackass).
-c'mon! alcohol is alcohol! drinkee drinkee good?? . See, that's where your wrong. Rubbing alcohol is not drinkable. Sure you CAN drink it, you may even like the taste as you are lieing in a fetal position puking bloody chunks of your insides out, praying someone hears your gurgley moans of grossness
as you wonder that even if you do somehow recieve prompt medical attention what type of cathader they will insert into your peehole, or where exactly a colostomy bag goes while swimming, or how much the internet will suck if you cant see porn(because u are blind).
- putting your drivers liscense into a bowl of alcohol to seperate the plastic without running the paper portion to change your info. Dont do that, its illegal, and breaking laws are just wrong.

a longwinded guide, brought to you by---


Monkeysmasher's Guide to Life



*putting a cd into a microwave causes many little lightning bolts to shoot all over its surface. it will probably ruin the cd, and can ruin the microwave.

here are some more things that shouldnt go in microwaves,
1. soap
- if you cook soap in the microwave, everything (thats EVERYTHING) from that point on will taste like soap. Usually cooking a standard sized hotel room curtasy soap for about 2minutes will do the trick.
2. Paper
- depending on the type of paper, it will make it look aged. And start a FIRE.
3. Clay
- sure, it makes it instantly soft and pliable, but most times it will cause the clay to 'crumble' after awhile. You'll know what i mean when u do it.
4. Frozen Mice
- For people with large snakes, many have to freeze a supply of mice. Thrawing them out makes everything have that mousetastic taste for a few days. mmmmm-mmmm!
5. Live Mice
- They dont pop. That's all i'm saying about that.
6. Anything metallic/reflective
- little sparkies/lighting bolts arc.
7. Large Chunks of ice.
- Some older microwaves can make them explode.

8. Midgets
- They prefer the term 'short person'. Finding one that will even fit into a standard size microwave is a task in itself, and then trying to fit them in, geez. They squirm like a shaved cat coated in baby-oil that your trying to drown in the bathtub. Believe you me, man, them bastards, they just dont want to go in!

STAY TUNED for the next Monkeyguides-
'Monkey's Guide to Treating Burn Victims'
aka
'I smell Baccon!'

my tip is to not scrach them

Has worked for years

You know you can make real pieces of art from CD-Rs? Take a blue or a green one, put a stencil on it and put all into bright sun light. Of course, there should not be important data on it.

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

/me runs to replace his porn cds lying in the sun with the windows XP disc

ah,
not scratches. this is for spilling pop on them. I dont normally drink soda pop/coke/pepsi/sugarie stuff, but i was tutoring a bit ago, and the kids spilled pop all over everything. i didnt realize the affect it had on cd's until they were all stuck together, and prying them apart took some of the mettalic finish off. I had always thought cd's were all metal, but they seem to be clear plastic coated with a metalic paint. it just stripped the metal off, and made stuck to gether ones bond like they were glued. Cd cleaning kits are a bit expensive here, 10$ or so. This way worked better, and i like to spread my wisdom to the less fortunates.

here's another tip, don't glue any paper to the top of cheap cds. A friend of mine did that, but because of the heat of the drive, the top peeled off and took the metal foil with it.

and,
never try to swallow a cd.
even on a double-dog-dare. Just walk away my friend, even if you do manage to swallow it, your not going to like it when it leaves thru the backdoor.

You are really sure about your last statement? Go and look at this guy
John_Doe "introduced" us today:
Swallow a CD?"
The way he looks, he might me able to do the first and enjoy the second

If I grow up, I'm gonna be juuuuuuuust like him.

the down side to govermental run healthcare system. If the USA had universal free healthcare, in less then 23 and 1 half minutes of those laws being passed, 3/4 of the population would be in the hospital emergency room being treated for similar misshaps. the other 1/4 would be busy putting all the fires out, or reloading.

this has been a public service announcement brought to you by monkeysmasher. Screw Canada.

Heh, perhaps someone could give me some advice against little holes that appear in the foil of my cds from time to time. Don't know what makes them, but I had to download some flicks again.

some brands of cd-r's are just made poorly, with shoddy materials.

one thing i noticed is the clear plastic cd that usually come on the top and bottom of spindles. It's actually an important thing, if you store your cd's on the spindle after you write them. the bottom of the cd spindle gets quite a lot of little dust particles and assorted debris. Its like a magnet, and i was surprised at the amount of little sharp scratchy stuff it collected. almost every one of the cd's i put on the bottom were ruined that didnt have that clear plastic cd on it still. i put all the series that i got every episode into thier own spindle, but when i wanted to watch the first episode of ds9, it was all fucked up. i checked the other spindles, and the bottom ones were all that way. Some of these i had sitting, unopened for over a year. i dont know wether the dirt/dust/grime just teleports in, or that the cd's awaken at night and sneak about. I suspect maybe a leprechaun has something to do with it.

that cd spacer thing really does help. and not storing nails or other building suplies in the spindles with the cds. that goes for kitty litter and diamonds, too.