Dear Alcohol
First and foremost, let me tell you that I am a huge fan of yours. You always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer during the match, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

Phone Calls - while I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

Eating - Now, you know I love a good meal and though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce, along with a big slice of cheese filled crust pizza and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate milk and topped off with a kit kat all after a bag of mixed Pakora) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

Clumsiness - Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down - it's completely unnecessary. The black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock

Pictures - this can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is it with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober, yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

Beer Goggles - If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the chick with the acned-up face, bad breath, hideous face etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off?

Furthermore - the hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous now. I know the little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is a goner. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, vegemite, diet coke, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. C'mon now, it's only fair - you do your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years no and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoke of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday (5pm) (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you

Your biggest fan!

Hope You sort things out PCA

STR drives him to drink.

I have the same attitude, except with me it is smoking the green. Just replace hangover for stomach upset and dry mouth and I am there

i know i am gonna get a visit by mr alcohol soon this weekend and it will not be a pleasant visit...

My boyfriend has been clean and sober for over 9 years. He does not regret it.

I am practically tee total, I would say I drink around 4 times a year, and only one of those will involve more than 2 pints of lager. I am an arsehole when I drink too much, so I limit myself, safest for everyone involved. I have been like this since I was around 19 or 20.

TBH I actually do not even like the taste of alcoholic drinks now, i prefer to smoke a little, not excessive, just a bit of green around 4 or 5 evenings a week, and I rarely get smashed on that, just enuff to mellow me.

say, i was considering being an alcoholic, but im too damn lazy, i mean drinking every day? screw that, too much work. not that i prefer this steady decline into mental illness i am embarking on, but i do get to see a lot of neat colors.

i think there is a medicine to stop people from drinking, i believe its call 'alabuse' or such, makes you violently sick when your taking it and drink.

I actually quit drinking for a week now.

And look at your location

You left out the part about beeing to drunk to fuck PCA...or passing out and throwing up during it.
But seriously,I think you judge your freind a bit harshly...it isn't the booze..it's you...If I were you I would take your buddy out and have a drink and apoligize.The people that tell you there is something wrong with beeing a complete and total lush are just jealous and probably to uptight themselves and should also have a drink...just tell yourself that...and have one or ten for me while your at it.
By the way monkey..its called anabuse...and its one hell of a party gag. Just make sure you get them in their car before they start puking all over your rug.

hey, isn't this originally written by the famous norwegian author Jens Bj?rneboe? It's at least ripped off, cause he's written something veeery similar.

I want to change my nick to jesus now!

Quite possibly, I'm not claiming to har written the original, I recieved it in an email and thought it was funny / true enough to warrant sharing with you all

F*ck off !!!

Geezus likes a drink now and then

And he gets it cheap, with that whole water to wine thing

Yeah, but Jensus changes trees to weed