You'd be surpride at what gets published in the newspaper editorial section. I wont name any names(its me me me me me me), but some people just have too much free time, and a printer.

Dear Sirs:
A few days ago, as i'm having sex with my girlfriend, she says 'treat me like an animal.' Long story short, as i'm filling out paperwork in the emergency room while she is being treated for damages due to having a firecracker go off in her butt, i couldnt help but feel partly responsible. Am i just being oversensitive, or is this an example of modern day 'white male bashing'?

thank you in advance,
Reverend
M. 'Jack Torrance' Smasher, Ph.d


Sir or Madame:
Like many 20something bachelors, i go thru dozens, sometimes hundreds, of pets each and every week. Wether stepped on, swallowed, electrocuted,drowned,popped,squashed,imploded,dropped in a woodchipper or mysteriously dispersed over large rural areas,thier fate as housepets all end tragically (and often painfully) the same.
Due too my country's unfair and unjust laws against keeping the mentally disabled, amish, and/or midgets as pets (and with the surprising lack of immigrants in my area), i need something somewhat intelligent, but most importantly durable enough to survive my form of 'love'. Besides medication and/or the seeking some sort of mental health profesional, what advice could you give me? What type of pet should i get next? What sort of trade-offs should i consider. i.e. a cuteness versus flame resistance ratio?

Dr. M.Smasher,
Senate Majority Leader


Secretary of Agriculture
Capital Hill
Usa
Living in the usa, my main source of nourishment is McDonalds. My brother and i often debate exactly what the hamburger 'meat' is made from. My brother says its made out of old newspapers, i say from homeless people. Which of us is right?

Captain M. Smasher,
Exotic Dancer


Dear Dr Science,
3 friends late one evening decide to pay a visit to the haunted house of a touring carnival. They are told by the creepy barker outside of the haunted house that admission to the spooky attraction is $5 a head. The 3 friends each pay the barker their $5. While they are inside having the wits scared out of them, the creepy barker realises something. It is after 11 o?clock at night when the admission price switches over to special group rates. The group rate for 3 heads is $10 and the 3 friends all together had paid $15. The 3 friends were overcharged $5 in total for the tour through the haunted house.

A refund was in order decided the creepy barker. Each of the 3 friends had paid their $5 individually meaning they were each entitled to an individual refund. Not having much small change and being aware that $5 does not divide to the cent by 3, the creepy barker settled on the simple solution of returning $1 to each of the friends. The shaken and shrieking friends exited the haunted house and the creepy barker explained to them that each were getting $1 back due to special late night group rates. The 3 friends thanked the creepy barker as they were leaving for the thrills, chills and honesty. A refund of $3 was better than none the creepy barker decided while pocketing the remaining $2 as a tip for delivering thrills, chills and honesty.

Now figure this out?
-Originally each of the 3 friends paid $5 admission for a total of $15.
-Actual admission was only $10 which means an overpayment of $5.
-The creepy barker refunded each of the 3 friends $1 for a total of $3.
-The creepy barker pocketed the remaining $2 as a tip.
-The $3 refunded added to the $2 tip gives us the $5 overpayment.
-With $1 given back for each of the original $5 payments, all 3 friends have now paid $4 a head for a total of $12 paid admission.
-The $12 paid admission added to the $2 kept as a tip gives us $14.
-Where did $1 out of the original $15 disappear to?

You have 3 minutes to correctly answer this, as i have coated the letter with a toxin that is quite fatal. I guess i should have put this warning at the top so that you would read it faster. Oh well, my bad.

Love,
Daddy

Ok i've heard that before somewhere... where you borrow it from... it's driving me crazy!

ps. you have problems

hehe
i wrote that here before,
but on occasion online magazines put some of my letters in. 'critical miss' did one about adam's apples and women i wrote.
hehe,hehehe,hehehhehe,

err,
i mean as far as i know, i made it up the stuff bout mcdonalds and homeless people. With the large amount of homeless in urban areas, it seemed like the logical solution.

-The $12 paid admission added to the $2 kept as a tip gives us $14.

for anyone wondering, the 12$ paid admission consists of 10$ entry and the 2$ tip and the other 3$ was given back so the above line is incorrect, it should read as follows:

-The $12 paid admission (10$ entry + 2$ tip) added to the $3 given back gives us $15.

there is no missing 1$