Review by: Mark Englehart
Starring: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff


1 out of 10 stars

Where, oh where, is Mystery Science Theater 3000 when you need it? If ever there was a movie so ripe for the MST3K treatment that it was about to fall off the tree, it's Alone in the Dark, a movie so preposterously bad that it really should be seen to be believed, but with a riotous running commentary combined with judicious amounts of alcohol. A video-game adaptation starring Christian Slater, Tara Reid, and Stephen Dorff – just those three names spoken together are enough to make any bad movie connoisseur start salivating in the manner of Pavlov's dogs – Alone is such a goulash of awful special effects, ferociously bad acting, cheap sets, wooden dialogue, and synthesized music that it brings to mind such cheap '80s thrillers as Night of the Comet, but it can't even muster up the energy for self-parody. The one thing the movie does succeed at is adhering to its roots; the movie indeed plays like a video game, but as it wears on, it becomes as boring as watching someone else play a video game.

The plot of Alone in the Dark has something to do with evil scientists, parasites, zombies, creatures from the darkest recesses of the earth, and some extinct, ancient tribe that was way more brilliant than the Egyptians, Incans and Mayans combined. All of this is lovingly laid out in a scrolling prologue before the action begins, but by the time it reaches its lengthy conclusion, chances are you will have already lost all interest in what is about to transpire. There's a mad scientist (Mathew Walker) who's unearthed some ancient sarcophagus of the Abskani tribe; there's the sexy loner (Christian Slater, in a backsweep hairdo and scoop-neck black tank top) who investigates the paranormal; there's the comely research assistant (Tara Reid, in smart-girl glasses) who catalogs artifacts and gets in over her head; and the cocky leader of the secret government militia (Stephen Dorff, whose backsweep hairdo rivals Slater's) who's out to kill a bunch of nasty creatures. All of them are either fighting for or against the Abskani curse, which threatens no smaller a group than all of mankind, and in between trying to unleash or destroy some horrifying monsters, there's lots of gunfire and faux-heavy metal music.

There's also a ton of wonderfully bad movie moments, most of them provided by Reid, who barely seems to be able to get her dialogue out of her mouth, though she wears her midriff-baring tops with aplomb (the latest in museum-research fashion!). She goes at the movie with all the serious earnestness of a sorority girl trying not to crack a smile during a college play production, but can make a line like "The hairs on the back of my neck just stood up" a small comic gem – though not as good as her pronunciation of the Canadian province New-FOUND-Land (amazing that this got by in a movie filmed in Canada). Slater is by turns grim and grimacing, and Dorff is just plain laughable as a military tough guy; when these two clash, it's like watching a couple of cub scouts go at it over whose comic books belongs to whom. The juvenile feeling is only encouraged by Reid repeatedly referring to them as "You gu-uys!" in a whiny, sing-song voice. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I can hear Tom Servo and MST3K gang echoing her…