Tarzan, the Ape Man - the Tarzan story from the viewpoint of Jane. Well, she has an oversexed viewpoint. After she has found her father and then scuffolded him for leaving her and her mother when she was young, she goes on an expedition with him (yes, logic ). She strips as soon as possible when she sees some sort of an internal sea. Then she gets kidnapped by Tarzan and strips once more and has sex. Then she gets kidnapped again, by a bad tribe. They wash her and paint her white. The final scene was a bit weird but it ended with a fight between Tarzan and the endboss of the tribe. Afterwards she decides to stay with Tarzan. The end. Two hours! Man, it could have been cut by 30 minutes easily. The expedition travels superslowly, lots of scenes are very stretched and this makes the film boring. Then there are the usual jungle mistakes, like Orang Utans in Africa and Asian elephants in Africa, etc. If you want to see a real Tarzan film, go for the Johnny Weismuller one, and if you want to see a bad one to laugh at, go for Tarzan and the Lost City. Just don't watch this one.

The Legend Of Harrow Woods - what was this? Some student project or something? It didn't come off as a film to me at least. The story is very incoherent, it jumps up and down, it lost me several times, only to pick em up a few scenes later. In other words: a mess. Many scenes are ending with an ugly cgi scenechange thingy with some fiery portal or something. It looks like it was made by the director's little brother. What I got from the storyline wasn't that original either: group of friends goes to have a seance for one of the girl's birthday. Of course it goes wrong and people start dying. There was also a voice over reading from The Raven (the Poe story) all the time, and to my surprise it turned out to be Christopher Walken! How the hell he was involved in this piece of crap is beyond me, maybe he lost a bet or something. There is also Rik Mayall, but he has appeared in crap stuff before so I wasn't surprised as much there. Avoid this at all costs.

Emmanuelle 5: a time to dream - the storyline is very simple. Emmanuelle is on a spaceship and she dreams about sex. The crew of the spaceship stands around her (apparently the ship doesn't have to be flown) and they have all some sort of telepathic device on their heads. With them they can see all the dreams. In fact, they all participate in them: oh, the coincidence! It saves hiring so many other actors, that's nice. Krista Allen is gorgeous. Most parts can be viewed in fast forward, unless you want to learn something from the sexscenes.

The Terror Experiment - aka Fight or Flight. A guy puts a bomb in a federal building (for the viewer's pleasure, the building is marked with a sign in the garden which says "Federal Building" LOL) where secret military projects are going on. The bomb results in spreading the secretly produced powder through all air vents, turning everyone into zombies. These zombies seem normal until they're put in the "fight or flight" situation, then they become aggressive and attack most of the time. So it is 100 fight, 0 flight. The survivors have to find a way out, but that becomes more difficult as the police and other governmental services are sealing off the building to contain the damage. Lot of syfy actors present, but it isn't a syfy film and if it is, they hid it perfectly. Bad film, but OK to watch. Or maybe I think it is OK to watch because of the previous titles I watched today.

Hostel part III - you know what to expect when the word Hostel is in the title. I got what I wanted, and then some. I actually had fun. The new stuff in this version is interesting enough and I must say that I already got surprised in the opening scene: didn't see that one coming. Enough gore to go around, some twists which make it interesting and a few hot girls are the positive things in this film. Thomas Kretschmann's acting, some gross improbabilities and the fate of the hunting society are the negative ones. Still, if you liked part 1 and 2 there is no harm in watching this one.

Rift - low budget slasher with a touch of satanism/demonic stuff in it. The setting is an old apartment building where people were killed in 1972. Now, a student is finding out what happened. Some members of the cast are acting pretty good (well? dunno whether good or well), that was a pleasant surprise. However, the film itself is kind of cliche and the lighting/colouring, which was supposed to make it look old or something, didn't work. I wanted more gore, too. There are some scenes in which you suspect the director to have put in an earlier scene again, just to fill the film a bit. This is especially the case with the scene in which the students are banging the windows and shouting for officer Kelly. Ending OK-ish, let's see what LazRael Lison directs after this one, as he awoke my curiosity at least.

Frankenstein: Day of the Beast - another low budget flick. This one had a little more gore, but the monster looked ridiculous. The film shows off in the tagline and on imdb that it has an original take on the classic Shelley story. Well, don't hold your breath, as it isn't really spectacular. A descendant of the famous Dr Frankenstein is about to get married, but the monster wants to prevent that. The monster is some sort of a large fellow with a hairy outfit (this makes him look werewolfish), and he runs around in the forest and kills people when they meet him. There is a subplot about one of the guards who are used to protect the wedding, but it is quite predictable. I lost my interest halfway through. The ending was quite sudden. Not so good.

Prince Of Persia (2010): This was a pretty decent movie. It is based on an old DOS game with the same name. There was a lot of jumping around - just like in the game LOL. The acting was ok and the effects were good. Some effects were CGI but it wasn't obvious. It is about a dagger that can turn back time. And of course it is wanted by a bad guy that wants to alter history. They say it is based on a dagger in the game that enables you to repeat a level - dunno. I enjoyed it. Not another bullshit computer game based movie.

Cassadaga - pretty long story about a deaf girl who has a tough life: she does not only lose her parents, but also her sister. Then when she moves to different surroundings to get away from it all, she gets to know a guy whose daughter gets painting lessons from the deaf girl. A love relatuionships starts to develop. In a seance where she wants to get contact with her dead sister, the ghost of a murdered woman gets into her head and this way she finds out that there were students before her in te house where she lives, but they disappeared. Together with her new love she starts to unravel the puzzle. Good things: acting is OK, music OK too, atmosphere is there, opening sequence is brutal, the seance scene was cool and the killer-scenes in the basement are nice. Bad things: the fact that the girl is deaf doesn't show in the film at all, so why bother calling her deaf. There is too much sentimental stuff like in M. Night Shyamalan films. The ending after the credits is totally superfluous. Why put it in? So, it turns out somewhat average, or a little above it.

Jungle Warriors - wow, a real treat, this 80s trashfest! Group of models crashes in the jungle, right at the spot where some drug traffickers have their hideout. Two drug gangs have just started a deal when the models arrive, and all sorts of stuff happens: rape, druguse, firefights, etc. There are the usual mistakes in this kind of film, with rattlesnakes in the jungle and stock footage of baby crocodiles and then a shot of the screaming models, nice Highly recommended for bad moviefans!

Devil's Crossing - this was extremely boring and bad. It is a zombieflick, and the synopsis says something about a postapocalyptic setting and groups of survivors. Well, in the first 45 minutes you start wondering if you are watching the correct film, as it is a bad western only. After these 45 minutes, the zombies start to play a role (before that, you only see some walk by a few times), but then the film drowns in stupid fighting. Large parts can be watched in ffwd, and I was glad it was over. Avoid.

Supernatural Activity - comedy which spoofs found footage. Sounded great to me as I loathe found footage films, but this comedy didn't really cut it for me. Some spoofs were nicely done, but most jokes were a bit "forced", and the stopryline about exposing the team behind the TV show Supernatural Activity for being fake was a giant plothole. Films which were spoofed were among others: Blair Witch Project, Paranormal Activity, The Last Exorcism and The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I laughed a few times, but it should have been way more often. Let's see what this filmmaker brings us next time, because I see some potential.

Fast Zombies With Guns - bwergh. Worthless crap. This movie made a very, very big mistake: it changed zombies in a way they are the same as humans. Dying from bullets, not necessarily to the head: check. Running: check. Able to shoot guns: check. Operating individually or in groups: check. Since the humans in this film are doing the same, except for the fact that some are also hiding for a bit, we get a very flat actionflick in which two groups shoot each other. For 90 minutes. This accompanied with some of the most awful music in a film ever, makes watching this "film" a piece of torture. Don't do it.

Blood Runs Cold - atmospheric Swedish slasher. The setting is great: a cabin in a very cold season (during filming the temperature was actually really low). The snow actually plays a role in the story, which is nice. The killer

Spoiler:

is a very mysterious creature, and you never get to know who it is

Some people actually like that, or even think it is a strongpoint, but for it to become that, it needed something else. Now I felt something was lacking. Still, I enjoyed watching this, although the actors spoke English well, some of them could have worked a bit more on their accents. Overall a bit more excitement could have been cool, but it was enough to have a nice time watching this.

Intruders - two stories, one in Madrid and one in London. In both stories there is a child being pursued by a mysterious creature without a face. It first appears in a story written up by the Madrid boy, and then it shows up in his real life. He wants to steal the boy's face. Similar situation in London, although the kid there is a girl and she didn't write the story herself, she found it in a tree. This is a quite typical Spanish film, a supernatural fairytale with a nice plot. The storyline is the strongpoint of the film, because the effects aren't superb and the acting could have been better. The cast is quite international, apart from the Spanish and the British crew the Dutch Carice van Houten appears. Sadly she plays one of her worse parts in this film. Clive Owen as the father does everything to save his daughter from the faceless creature. This girls does a good job on the acting, btw. Interesting film, recommended, especially if you like Spanish horror.

Prison Heat - cheap 90s WIP film. While the genre had been dead for long, someone thought it would be cool to make another WIP film, and yes, that actually is cool. Filmed in Israel, but pretending it is Turkey, all cliches come along: drug abuse, catfights in the prison, a warden who has sex with the inmates, etc. The description uses the word "babes", but you have to take that term a tad liberally. Some of them would have been hot for the beginning of the 90s, but some simply aren't. There are soke nice SBiG moments in this film, like when the girls take a ride in a van and it says "rent a car" on the backside Recommended for fans of the genre and other bad moviefans.

Left 4 Dead - fanmade short for the game of the same name. Nothing shocking, some cgi zombies, some real. It lasts for only 9 minutes, so not much to say. Nice filler, that's it.

Satan Hates You - weird film which you need top finish to appreciate it (well, that goes for me at least). For the first 30-60 minutes, you are wodnering wtf is going on. There are some badly made up "devils" following a girl and a man. The girl is a teenager using drugs and getting pregnant and therefor in need of an abortion. The abortion is superexaggerated, but at that moment I didn't know what that meant. The man has an alcoholproblem, and he keeps killing people. Inbetween scenes with these two, we see comemrcials and excerpts from TV sgows promoting christianity. After a while I was totally convinced that this was a christian propaganda film, like The Omega Code or Raging Angels. And then

Spoiler:

it all changes in the final scene, when both the man and the girl are convertd, they both die in an accdient in which the man hits the girl with a car. Hilarious! I hadn't see it coming. Kudos to the makers. Still,

it wasn't a very good film. It was a bit sad that I needed to watch over 90 minutes of crap for this plot, although the plot made the crap a bit mor bearable.

Kill Keith - TV show guy goes berserk and kills people. The coffe and asswhipes guy has a crush on the female co-host of the show. All well ends well. That's this film summarised. There was some funny stuff, but there were way too many moments where you thought "Wow, that didn't make sense at all!", like

Spoiler:

when Keith plants a bomb in a pumpkin and then gets angry and goes on stage to hold that pumpkin himself, just to get blown up

I mean: how stupid can you be? Susannah Fielding is a sweetheart in this film, but that's one of the few positive aspects. This movie needed: more gore and more stuff happening in general. Maybe better next time, director.

Creature - with my expectations lowered I began with the last film of the evening, a monsterflick. I was surprised that it didn't turn out to be the crapfest I was expecting. The cgi monstr is smart and stays in the shadows for a very long time, so he doesn't show the cgi is not top notch. The plot was a bit meh, but at least it had a legend and a cool monster (actually two). Gore was OK and I had fun with this mindless monsterfilm. Not good, but definitely not bad either.

Evidence - found footage film. I read a review which was pretty positive, so I gave it a chance. I'm lucky I did, because it was quite nice for a change. At first not much is happening, 4 youngsters are gonna camp in the wild. Soon however, they see a mysterious creature. What is it? Due to the camera you don't get a good look at it and this keeps the tension thorughout the film. Near the end, when it looks like the characters have ended up in

Spoiler:

Half-Life (the game)

it is quite chaotic and the film loses a bit of it's charm. Still, it was quite enjoyable, and since I usually loathe found footage, that is a compliment from me.

Zombiegeddon - B-movie galore! It starts with Uwe Boll telling you to not watch this film as it is so bad: this made me smile. After this, you get a film which is a long parade of B-movie heroes and heroines, among which are Brinke Stevens, Tom Savini, Tina Krause, Ron Jeremy, JR Bookwalter, Joe Estevez, Linnea Quigley and Robert Z'Dar. There are many more, some just with their voices (Julie Strain and Fred Olen Ray) and some on screen, like the ones I mentioned before. More on imdb! The story itself is funny, I laughed a few times, but I mostly enjoyed this big parade of B-movie classics. Go and see Zombiegeddon if you like bad movies, it is a walk down memory lane for all of you!

Seven Bloodstained Orchids - very nice giallo by Umberto Lenzi, who usually makes crappy horror with loads of gore. A woman gets assaulted but she survives. The police however, hides her and everyone pretends she died, to trick the killer. Her husband is the prime suspect, so he is hellbent on finding the real killer. This is no easy task, also for the viewer. I didn't guess the killer, I simpy gambled one of the least likely characters, but I did so only because I know giallos are very farfetched sometimes in explaining how it is possible that this or that character was the killer all along. The plot reminded me of

Spoiler:

Don't Torture a Duckling by Fulci, and it is interesting that they both came out in 1972, since this means they can hardly have borrowed from each other's ideas

Some nice kills, and some good old Italian policework. I loved it. Recommended.

Omega Cop - wow, nice B-flick. A not so handsome guy is a policeman in the future, where water and fuel are scarce and the sun has intense flares which force people inside or they will die. The policeman loses his entire team in a raid on some slavetraders and now he is back for revenge! Why he has a team in the first place is a mystery to me, as in the remainder of the film he singlehandedly beats off entire gangs of thugs. All this with (a little) help frok some of the released slave women. I say a little, because in one scene for example, the woman with the rifle simply waits for the cop to have fought off everyone and then they drive away in the jeep, without her having fired a single shot. Bad actionscenes and some nice effects and overdoned rama complete this SBiG experience. Recommended for bad moviefans.

Vampireland - for some reason there afre a few filmmakers who recently thought that if you want to make a film, you simply have to film a few (in this film it is literally a few: there are seven actors in this film) people who are "surviving"some sort of apocalyptic event. Sometimes with zombies, sometimes with vampires. This one is no exception. It is a very boring film to watch, so I'd say stay away from this one. It will save you 90 minutes of your life.

The Pact - a woman convinces her sister to come over to their mother's house to arrange the funeral of said mother. Since their youth wasn't the happiest, the sister isn't really jumping with joy, but the next day she decides to come, but she arrives in an empty house. Where did her sister go? This is the start of a ghostfilm which gave me the creeps several times, and I noticed I even kept my breath during one particular scene. Well done! Atmosphere is great, acting is good to very good. There is sometimes no music and then there is the right music, so the soundtrack is OK too. I must say that this is one of the better films which I have seen recently, and certainly the scariest one. Highly recommended.

Satanik - I read that this title was adopted to ride the wave of the success of Danger: Diabolik by Bava, and although the story does have it's similarities, it is by far the worse film. A woman who has a deformed face, uses a test formula which turns her into a hot babe, but at times, she changes back, to the horror of her companions. She had to kill a professor to get the formula, and after she has changed she keeps on killing. So the police is after her, but they of course don't know anything about the formula. Best about the film is the late 60s atmosphere and the music, the acting and the story are lacking a bit. It is also a bit of a weird movie, so if you treat this as a curiosity you might have fun with it.

Petlya Oriona - aka Orion's Loop. Russian scifi from 1980, with a propaganda touch. On a conference, it is decided that a phenomenon called Orion's Loop must be countered with the help of an android crew, produced by, you guessed it, the Soviet Union. Of course the Soviets are willing to help the planet in need. The very advanced androids can't do it all by tghemselves, so they are helped by a Soviet human crew, where tensions rise when the problems increase. One of them, obviously the bad guy, opts for the violent solution, but of course he is shunned in favour of the solution in which we all think "not of ourselves but of the world". Oh, how humane this Soviet paradise was... Funny to see such a film, recommended if you are into weird scifi or into films which have an historical background.

Airborne - when I read the synopsis I thought this would be the British version of Flight of the Living Dead. It isn't. The horror isn't in massive zombie action, it is way more subtle in the plane and actually the real horror is how the secret services handle this case. Some nice looking women and some heavy British accents complete this not too long film which is a nice passtime, but nothing really special.

Summer of Massacre - uggh, diarrhea on film. I never switch off a film, however bad it may become, but I considered it a few times during this one. Instead I decided to go and do other stuff, becaus that way I could check if it maybe had it's moments. Well, there are a few, but they are too few and far between to make watching this dreck worthwhile. It is an anthology with 5 stories, although one story can be 25 minutes long and another one only 5. Some stories have a storyline, but others lack even that: the first one for example is simply about a guy killing people one after another. When a film lacks content like that, it becomes dreadful to watch it. Especially when the effects are so superbad cgi as in this one. I have seriously never seen worse cgi before. The first time it is kind of funny when you see someone "splattered with blood" only for him to move his face in such a way that you can clearly notice that the "blood" is actually a layer in Photoshop, if you didn't notice already in the first shot. One of the stories has Brinke Stevens in it, and although it is a pretty bad story, it is instantaneously the best one in the film. The rest of this film is simply garbage. Avoid it, like the plague.

Flesh Wounds - Kevin Sorbo is a sergeant of an elite fighting force. This "elite fighting force" is lacking discipline, however, and they also never heard of taking cover. So when they go on a mission, a very super secret one of course (they even have to hand in their dogtags, oh noes!), they all die except Kevin of course. There are ridiculous fighting scenes in this film, where for example the enemy has a large MG set up, and they try to camouflage it with some tiny twigs. When Kevin and his men approach these enemies, they do so by walking up to them as close as a few meters. The enemies don't notice, not even when Kevin, after having given signs with gestures, starts talking out loud about what they are about to do. They only notice after Kevin starts firing, and you can see that the guy in the shot is waiting for the director to shout "Action!" Of course there are soldiers who in the midst of this firefight decide to ditch their automatic weapon and go for a knife instead. To top it off, Kevin throws some grenades, and he does so in the open, standing up, and waiting to see where the grenade lands after having thrown it, then grabbing a second and a third grenade which just happen to lay around there conveniently, all in full view of the enemy which is firing at him with an MG. Riiiiight. The real enemy is some kind of cyborg who acts like Predator but looks like a Borg from Star Trek. A real treat for bad moviefans, this one. All others should skip it.

Cross Current - early giallo, without the aspects which later made this genre famous, and therefore a little less interesting imo. Some of the murders are by shooting, always less elegant than a knifekill, and while the women are beatiful again, the story totally crazy and with some unexpected twists, this giallo won't stay with me. The writers try to pull off something which is a tad too farfetched, even for a giallo. I enjoyed the setting, though, and the music, as always. Sadly this one is quite rare and the only rip I found had hardcoded Greek subs. If you're a die hard giallo fna you shouldn't miss this one, but if you're new to the genre, I'd say pick a different one, by Bava, Argento or Martino.

Prometheus - this is one of the most anticipated films in recent film history I guess. At least by horror and scifi fans. I read that many disliked it, and now I finally got to see it myself. I don't know why people are so negative about this film. Maybe it it because of the high expectations, and the fact that it was directed by Ridley Scott helped those expectations rise even higher. I think too many people were expecting a new Alien film. It isn't. The atmosphere is not the same, but because I tried not to think too much of the Alien quadrilogy, I didn't mind so much. My fav scene is the medpod scene. It is one of those scenes you will keep remembering later. As a standalone film, it is a good film, and I thoroughly enjoyed watching it. As a part of the Alien films, it is not the best, but there are films in the Alien series which aren't as good either. I can wholeheartedly recommend watching this, as it is a good scifi, with nice effects and a cool storyline.

Girls Gone Dead - brainless cliche slasher with loads of boobs and asses. So it is a very nice passtime, as 80% of the time you can wallow in T&A. The story is very unoriginal, the gore is OK-ish (good attempt at making real prop gore) and the length of the film is too much. But all this is resolved by a good amount of hormone bombs dancing in front of the camera. I think if you'd strip all imagery with girls in it, some 5-10 minutes would be left and they would be boring. So now you know what to expect.

Coincidence, but for today I picked three films with an A.

Android Insurrection - very simple scifi, where a group of fighters have to rescue an android which is in a compound crawling with hunterkiller robots. When the fiolm started I was like "I have already seen this" because there was this giant wheel-like robot which started to kill people. I'm sure i have seen that before in a different movie. If anyone recalls a title with giant wheel-like robots (they have several wheels turning within each other and in the middle there is a red ball), please post. I tried to find it, but have failed so far. Virginia Logan looks cool in her tight pants, but the story is nothing special and because of the cgi robotics, I couldn't get hooked. The firefights are dumb as the fire effects are all bad cgi too. So apart from Virginia Logan, there is nothing interesting to see in these 80 minutes.

Attack of the 50 ft Cheerleader - this is my 4th "Attack of the 50 ft..." film, I have seen both Woman films, and I have also seen the Centerfold one. This one has the emphasis on the comedy aspect, and it is a highschool film too, so we have the cliche story of the nerdy girl who wants to be cheerleading captain. To become that, she has to overcome an uberbitch of course, who can only scream in anger if things don't go her way. Usually Cassie works at a lab, and it is there where she accidentally takes in a certain medicine which makes her grow superlarge. By being large she can reach more goals than before (literally, hehe). We also get a morale with the story, which is a bit meh. Some funny stuff, but most of it is quite forgettable. No must see, but not a complete waste of time either.

Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies - the Asylum answer to Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. In this one, the civil war is raging and Abe finds out about zombies and decides to battle them, in order to save the country. He does so with the help of several other famnous Americans, like General Stonewall Jackson and Teddy Roosevelt. Abe is a cool guy with a large sickle, to behead the zombies in large fights. He also sort of makes this movie, because the rest of the cast is somewhat bleak, although Hannah Bryan is a nice looking woman (with too little screentime). The big effects are cgi, but the rest of it, mostly on the zombis isn't. A plus for an asylum movie! Funny zombieflick, as a zombiefan you can safely put this on.

1313: Night of the Widow - a very bad David DeCoteau film once more. Boring and repetitive, this one is about a group of friends coming to the house of a deceased friend of theirs, to hear the will being read. It says they have to look for a key and when they find it, they inhert everything. In the meantime a woman is walkign around with a lrage knife. Zero kills are shown, a weak point in my book. The boys are pretty again according to David's taste. Even with it's short running time, it gets tedious to watch. Use ffwd or skip it entirely.

Night Wolf - aka 13 Hrs. The aka made it so that I now happened to have watched two films with 13 in the title. This one was the better film for sure. It takes long to build up, but I must say I really, really liked the plot. It was so cool, I was actually surprised! A girl returns to her parental house, to see her father and brothers, but her mother is absent. One of her brothers says she is cheating on dad, and other gossip is exchanged. They have a party in the garage, until the electricity goes down and a monster appears. Then we get soke sort of survival horror, with some soap opera elements which could have been left out to make an even better film imo. The plot however, makes all well. Recommended.

Deadtime - a band gets a chance to record a demo in a former postoffice, which is now a studio. Some groupies have come too, and for some reason, the band and everyone else can't leave for the entire weekend. Quite nonsensical if you ask me, but OK. Especially when after a while a knife wielding maniac starts walking around, locking all the doors and staying inside a thickwalled studio with apparently no cellphone reception, was a dumb thing to do. Some of the kills are quite nasty, because you know where the knife is going, but you don't get to see everything. Enough gore to go by, but man, this film is uninteresting. It is also labeled as a comedy. I counted two things which muight have been meant as a joke. I smiled once. Avoid this flick if you cherish your evening spare time.

Twixt - Francis Ford Coppola has made horror before, some were OK and some were pretty good. This one is a little weird, but I liked it anyway. It starts out like a ghost story, but it weaves all kinds of horror through the storyline. Atmosphere is somewhat alienating, but that makes the film more interesting than the everyday horror. The ending was a bit confusing for me, but if I understood it correctly, it was quite inventive. Val Kilmer should lose weight, btw. His acting is still OK, but he looks like shit.