“Don’t Go in the Park” a.k.a. “The Ancient Curse of the Damned,” a.k.a. “Sanctuary for Evil” is one of the oddest horror films that I’ve ever reviewed for Monsters. Alternately terrible and entertaining, “Park” is a perfect party movie for those who dig gonzo cinema and getting really, really stoned. Though not in the same league as “Blood Freak,”( the morality play wrapped in flesh eating man-turkey guise), it’s got a horrible flavor all its own; one decidedly unique to the sleaze palate. The film’s overly complicated plot goes something like this: 12,000 years ago a tribe of prehistoric cannibals ate children to keep youthful. Two members of the tribe, a brother and sister, piss off the head matriarch and are cursed. They are to spend eternity living “in die,” not dead, not quite alive. They will live the centuries compelled to eat children until 12,000 years into the future when the constellations form some special configuration. Then they will have to devour a 16-year-old virgin who is also related to the tribe. Once virgin is eaten they will be freed from the curse - or something like that. Cut to: “16 years ago.” The aged brother and sister are still in the park, still eating children. They appear old until they eat the flesh of various youngsters and literally steal the youth from them. In a weird bit of wrong-headedness, the dead children become older as the “old” siblings de-age. It must be said that the old age make-up is especially awful and not even high school play caliber. The brother meets up with a character named, literally, Bondi’s Mother (the vacuous Linnea Quigley) and he hypnotizes her into a loveless marriage. The two have a daughter named - guess who? - Bondi

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“Park” is fun on several levels, not the least of which is the bizarre score, which seems to be a mix of library music and some drunk who happened upon a box of wind instruments. At times the score is so wildly inappropriate it’s mind boggling (and quite funny). The acting isn’t quite on the same level as a Herschell Gordon Lewis outing, but it’s bad.

Quigley is especially terrible in the little she’s given to do. The empress has no clothes, but that’s precisely the reason she’s had such a long undistinguished career. Her commentary is also priceless; at one pint she describes “Park” as ‘… one of the maybe second films I’ve done in my life.’ The aptly pseudo-named Crackers Phinn plays the brother/cursed cannibal without an ounce of conviction.

[ http://www.monstersatplay.com/review/dvd/d/dngp.php ]